Knowing Me Knowing You

Many years ago, two psychologists JOseph Luft and HARry Ingham described this metaphorical window.  The JOHARI Window, as it is called after its founders, is a model that helps us to put a framework on our understanding of ourselves better, in relation to people that we meet and who know us. Though it is commonly used for interactions between people, we can choose to extend it as deep as we would like to.

The interesting aspect is, that as one quadrant grows, the others become smaller. In this, it is a closed system.

1. The “open” quadrant represents things that are known to both – people who know me, and I know - my name, and other facts about me. If we get to know each other better, the window shade will move, making this first quadrant bigger. As it becomes bigger, quadrant 2 or 3 may become smaller.

2. The “blind” quadrant represents things that you know about me, but that I am unaware of. For example those around me can see my body language when we’re face to face, and I do not. Whether or not you have met me, based on my behavior, and my writing, you have made inferences about me.

Why is it important for this quadrant to be smaller? Because this is the part of me that influences other people’s behavior towards me, but I am unaware of it.

3. The “hidden” quadrant represents things that I know about me that you do not know: ones that I may be unable or unwilling to share. This is typically the area of motives,private thoughts, stream of consciousness, communication skills.

What did I do today? What do I plan to do? What am I reading? What do I think about you? What is my opinion about the world today? As soon as I tell you any of this, I move the information in my hidden quadrant and enlarge the open quadrant. We decide what to share and keep hidden about ourselves from others. Sometimes, some things that we hide may actually harm us or others [e.g. a child hiding an abusive person from his parents as we are now reading so much about in the news]; but at other times, we are probably wise in not boring the other with details about ourselves!

How can I know what to hide and what to disclose to another?

4. The “unknown” quadrant represents things that neither I know about myself, nor you know about me. Our dreams, repressed memories, forgotten events, fall into this category. Why is it important? Because it comes up in surprising ways- dreams, inexplicable emotions, gut-feels, intuition, visions. Opening up this quadrant is a matter for each of us to decide for ourselves. But it is something to keep in mind: that we don’t know everything about ourselves.

How do I view the parts of me that are unknown? A Pandora’s Box of memories and painful incidents that I am scared to open? Something unimportant best left unknown? Or a mystery worth unveiling?

Some events in our lives cause parts of the unknown to become known: it could be a major event like marriage or becoming a parent or a death of a close person; or an unusual one like talking in public for the first time, being forced to do something we’ve never wanted to try before; it could be meditation, or sometimes feedback from a wise one. We discover hidden strengths, surprising weaknesses, and unimagined qualities in ourselves. And if were really lucky, we begin to discover the dimensions within ourselves and our connections with each other.

This intriguing quadrant is like a black hole in the universe- who knows what it contains and where it leads!

Each person we meet, is different from the other. In our dealing with each person, we uncover things we didn’t know about them and what we didn’t know about ourselves: there may be a tenderness we discover only if we have a child; or a nasty temper that is uncovered only when we meet someone who lives with rules completely different from ours.

No one is static- so we not only uncover, we also change as we meet people.

Something to think about, is the role that emotions play in each of these quadrants. That defines our feeling about light and dark.

©2002 Meenakshi Suri. All rights reserved

[Cross-posted ]