One of my pet peeves--that I have tried to sublimate to a personal passion --is the way children are treated by their own families.
I am not happy to keep it as a peeve; because I see that issues that parents, teachers and health care professionals face who are all together meant to be a system of child care. That said, what shocks me, is how often I encounter adults who have no perspective or knowledge of child development, seem to have forgotten or negated their own childhood joys, anxieties and feelings, and bought into an old energy of nurturing children. Actually I feel it's like they become what they most disliked in adults.
They bought the story that the adult is always right, without remembering the child's knwoing that it takes more than age to make an adult a grown-up.
I usually try to see within myself something that peeves me about others. It is not comfortable for me to have a peeve about others. But in this case I have to admit that I feel a me vs they. Children are kind, and mine are amazingly kind to me. As are their friends who are always so loving. "Mom, " said my daughter, "you are anything but typical." She is referring to the way I joke around and listen to her and talk to her friends. And my son keeps telling me how happy he is with me.
It is not always so. When they feel I am doing wrong, they have always let me know.
"Mom, I don't like the way you speak to my brother", said the little 6 year-old who was always so silent about her own feelings.
"Mom, don't scold [my sister]. She's only 8 years old." or whatever...
And sometimes, it was the blessed, "I'm happy with you."
Being an ultra-sensitive child [as I am told by my sisters], I was very sensitive to nuances, and possibly that is the reason I suffered as a child. Also the reason why I largely depended on my own resources. I guess middle chldren rarely consider themselves to have had a happy childhood; specially as they're trying to be older and younger while the parents try to handle the issues of the younger and older kids!
So, I am a typical middle child. I have carried that sensitivity to parenting and to teaching; and unfortunately for my friends and other teachers, that includes their parenting and their teaching!
How many of them blame children for issues that they can't handle! Just yesterday I was asked by my daughter's coach [after I had unearthed some problems from my usually happy daughter's distressed face]:
"Have you noticed a change in your daughter?"
"Many," I replied [aren't they growing kids? duh!] "Which specifically are your referring to?"
"Teenage ones," she replied.
O.K. I explained-- if we are adults, and remember our own childhood, and know what to expect from teenagers, and she is a typical teenager, please explain to me once again what is the source of the problem? And what is the solution? Who is the adult here? Who is in charge? Whew! It all went off pretty well because I prepare the situation energy wise, ensuring that it's as clear as possible and with connection, not confrontation. So regardless of the words spoken, the real purpose of the meeting was achieved: Be careful how you communicate to children, as they can see your shadow.
Then I had to bite my tongue when I heard a friend complain once again about how her kid never studies and so on. I realized that to her, a good friend is one who just listens, and not one who tries to solve a problem, as I would other times, by sharing how I handled the same issue. So, I listened and was good. I promise, Gaian friends, I said nothing to trouble her then, as she just needed to share a problem she's had for the past ten years that I've known her. I feel like a bad friend and a bad friend's- mom but left things as they were. Phew! Even stopped biting my tongue after a few minutes of bringing the light in!
So---to the main title of this blog: adults who nurture children may find it a burden if we keep our focus on anything other than their growth. When we bring in our own unresolved issues. When we do not use try to keep growing up ourselves. A parent of a 15 year old has to be more grown up than a parent of a 5 year old. We don't have to stop growing just because we're out of our own parents' eyes!
If we can keep working on our own development, we can keep guiding them for theirs. Otherwise, it is like a 50-year old person stuck at his/her 18 year old level of development, who is trying to bring up an 18 year old child!We've to keep developing:
- physically [strength and health- tough issues],
- emotionally- so that we don't dump on children when we are trying to teach them something;to show them how to express emotions effectively and compassionately --caring for ourselves and others.
- mentally - so that we stay in touch with current knowledge of nutrition, child care, the world in general and anything else that helps us to bring them up not on the basis of what we knew at 18, but what we know at [our current age]
- as a whole person- so we can show a child, without words, how a person becomes more and more confident, comfortable in the world, and effective in his or her surroundings. That teaches them more than a "do as i say not as I do" approach. To show them how we keep changing, don't think we're perfect, but are growing as they are--only in different directions....
Nurturing children is the greatest impetus I've see to nurture ourselves.The greatest challenge as well.
To keep growing, is actually the only way to stay ageless. Think about it.
Can we do it? Yes we can.
We're the grown ups.
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QaR
November 2009 
Meenakshi
Access: Public
