I'd written this one several years ago, when I realized that we often challenge goodness and Divinity to reveal itself among the most negative circumstances of human life.
At the ego level, this is a search powered by fear, despair, anger: the “negative” human emotions. Looking deeper, we see the play of the hide and seek, with that wonderful message being passed to and fro:
I am not sure if the poem brings this out without this introduction; also, if I'm not sure if this is a poem in the strict sense of the term; as each verse is a different length and style?
Please C & C- then I could post the revised version on my blog/ Empowered pod, perhaps.
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Looking for NotGod
by Meenakshi, 1999
Fearful for my safety, I went looking for NotGod
Hunting in the darkness of alley streets
And the cages of criminals,
I looked in the face of beasts
And the lairs of animals
I went gingerly, alert and ready
To battle, perhaps to run
To find and destroy the demons
And thus be safe forever
Protective about my feelings I went looking for NotGod
I peered in the faces of bullies
And in the jeers of crowds
In the cabins of bosses
And wherever there was power
I crept into all these places
For here I knew I'd find
The victims and the vanquished
Who had been left behind
To shield myself from shame I went looking for NotGod
Seeking the mortification of those with unequal bodies
The despair of those who had failed
Hurt in the eyes of lost lovers
The poor, the naked, the outsiders
In failure I'd find the disgrace of being
Out of step with the rest of the world
And then I could plead for the dignity
That each of us has sought
To protect myself from deception I went looking for NotGod
I frequented places where people sought
My time, my money, my attention
Attended talks by gurus and cons
And places where money changes hands
I wanted to find the people who cheat
And those who lie to steal
For I knew that if I could find them first
I'd be saving myself from hurt
To insulate myself from pain I went looking for NotGod
Peering into surgeries and sports fields
And wherever the body is pushed
I looked in places of violence
In homes and jails and schools
I looked in the hearts of criminals
And in the eyes of the afflicted
I rushed to find the pain
So I could stop the hurt
To stem the feeling of incompleteness I began to stalk NotGod
I needed to connect the separated strands
To root out the parts that were ruined
The places of worry and doubt
I tracked the places in all our hearts
Where inconsistency and chaos rule
The places where desire fights the desired
The darkest reaches of the soul
I looked in these places because I thought
That finally I'd find NotGod
In the places where kinks appear in our hearts
And I could work them out
But however hard I looked I could not find NotGod
For God had joined the search with me
And S/he was everywhere
So, thinking God is nowhere here
I found that God is Now Here!
In the unsafe places God is the courage we find
After we have known the unknown
Where feelings are hurt we learn to relate
To ourselves and to each other
Where there is Shame we discover
The self that needs to be nurtured
Where someone is cheated there is a lesson learned
That what we have gained should be nursed
Through the pain one can feel connected
To places that we never knew
And in the feeling of incompleteness is the knowledge of oneself
In which the fragrance of God can reside
In order to dispel darkness
I went with bravado to fight
But in the dark I realized
I could think of nothing but Light!
©2010 Meenakshi Suri
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[crossposted in The Poetry Workshop]